TODAY I HAVE BEEN A MISERY GUTS MADE WORSE BECAUSE OF A FIVE HOUR CAR JOURNEY WITH TWO PEOPLE WHO NEEDED CONSTANT HELP WITH DIRECTIONS BUT DID NOT KNOW THE FINAL DESTINATION. NEEDLESS TO SAY, THAT, PLUS THE LACK OF SOLID FOOD FOR SEVEN DAYS AND MASSIVELY LOW BLOOD SUGAR MADE ME A VERY UNPLEASANT PASSENGER. I AM NOW SITTING IN A HOTEL ROOM IN CHESTER ALONE, SIPPING MY DETOX JUICE AND WATCHING CSI. MUCH HAPPIER AND LOOKING FORWARD TO MY LOVELY COUSINS WEDDING TOMORROW.
TODAY IS THE LAST DAY OF MY LEMON DETOX. I AM FEELING QUITE WEAK AND TIRED BUT REALLY LOOKING FORWARD TO EATING TOMORROW. MY HAIR AND NAILS LOOK ÜBER HEALTHY AND MY CLOTHES ARE VERY LOOSE ON ME. IN FACT I TRIED A JACKET ON TWO DAYS AGO WHICH USED TO FIT PERFECTLY WHICH NOW SWAMPS ME SLIGHTLY. JUST ABOUT TO COMMENCE A FOUR HOUR CAR JOURNEY TO CHESTER FOR A WEDDING (THANKFULLY I’M A PASSENGER) AND INTEND TO SLEEP THE ENTIRE WAY. I HAVEN’T TRIED ON THE GRECIAN-STYLE DRESS I’VE BOUGHT FOR THE NUPTIALS TOMORROW BUT I’LL JUST TIE THE BELT TIGHTER IF THERE’S ROOM TO SPARE.
TODAY I WATCHED THE ROYAL WEDDING WITH MY LEMON JUICE, TREE SYRUP, CAYENNE MIXTURE WHILST MY FAMILY SIPPED WHITE WINE AND SNACKED ON NUTS AND KETTLE CHIPS. VENTURING OUT TO A STREET PARTY ON WILTON WAY IN HACKNEY TO LOUNGE IN THE SUN AND LISTEN TO THE IMPROMPTU BANDS PLAYING DRUNKEN SAILOR WAS BLISSFUL. WATCHING EVERYONE QUAFF PROSECCO AND NIBBLE ON VIOLET CUPCAKES, CUCUMBER SANDWICHES AND VAST SALADS WAS TORTURE. TODAY I’M LUSTING AFTER SAFFRON RICE SALAD. I’D ALSO HAPPILY GLUG A PINT OF VINAIGRETTE.
TODAY I REALLY STARTED CRAVING FOOD. THANKS TO THE MAGICAL SYRUP I HAVEN’T BEEN HUNGRY SINCE SUNDAY. TODAY ALL SORTS OF CULINARY DELIGHTS HAVE BEEN POPPING INTO MY HEAD. THANKFULLY NO UNHEALTHY OPTIONS (BAR GIN & TONIC AND PROSECCO). WEIRDLY IT’S TEXTURES I’VE BEEN MISSING MOST. THIS VEGETABLE TARTE WITH COURGETTE, ASPARAGUS, PEAS AND GRUYERE IS EXACTLY WHAT I WANT RIGHT NOW. THAT OR A FALAFEL WRAP.
I HAVE NOT HAD ANYTHING TO EAT SINCE SATURDAY. MY STOMACH IS COMPLETELY EMPTY. IF I SUCK IN MY TUMMY IT DISAPPEARS UNDERNEATH MY RIBS WHICH MAKES THAT SECTION OF MY BODY LOOK A BIT REXIE. THE REST OF ME LOOKS NORMAL. I WON’T POST A PICTURE AS THIS BLOG MIGHT BE MISTAKEN FOR ONE OF THOSE PRO-REXIE SITES AND I’LL GET COMMENTS FROM YOUNG GIRLS TELLING ME TO EAT TISSUES TO STOP HUNGER PANGS.
ANOTHER SIDE EFFECT OF THIS DETOX - MY SENSE OF SMELL IS RIDICULOUS. I COULD SMELL SOME GUY EATING GREEN BEAN SALAD THREE ROWS BEHIND ME ON THE TRAIN TODAY. THE CHIP SHOP ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROAD SENT ME SALIVARY GLANDS BONKERS AND EVEN THE SMELL OF BOILED VEGETABLES MAKES MY TUMMY GRUMBLE. SO FAR I HAVEN’T REALLY CRAVED ANYTHING SWEET (BAR MARZIPAN DREAM) - I JUST WANT LOTS OF SAVORY THINGS. A BIG BOWL OF OLIVES, A HUGE CUCUMBER SALAD WITH VINAIGRETTE, BOILED EGGS AND SOLDIERS AND MOST OF ALL… SAUSAGES.
I DREAMT OF MARZIPAN LAST NIGHT. NONE WAS CONSUMED IN THE DREAM THOUGH I CAN STILL SMELL IT THIS MORNING. IT WAS BETTER THAN THE POPCORN DREAM THE OTHER NIGHT WHERE I ATE SO MUCH POPCORN I WOKE UP FEELING GUILTY.
ONE NEGATIVE SIDE-EFFECT OF THIS DETOX IS THAT I’M BLOODY FREEZING IN THE EVENINGS. HAVING TO DON SEVERAL LAYERS AND GET MORE BLANKETS ON MY BED OTHERWISE SLEEP IS IMPOSSIBLE.
“MANY PEOPLE IN THE FIRST FEW DAYS OF THE DETOX OPEN THEIR MINDS &TAKE PLEASURE IN CLASSICAL OR RELIGIOUS MUSIC; SPONTANEOUSLY THEY DISCOVER THE BEAUTY OF NATURE, OR PERCEIVE FOR THE FIRST TIME AN HARMONIOUS MENTAL STATE, PEACE WITH ONESELF & THE REST OF THE UNIVERSE, SELF-CONFIDENCE & THE PLEASURE OF BEING ALIVE.”
THESE ARE THE WISE WORDS OF DR K A BEYER, AUTHOR OF THE LEMON DETOX DIET. IT’S A GOOD THING THEN THAT I HAVE SPENT THE LAST FEW DAYS LOUNGING IN THE SUN ON BEACHES AND THAT THE ONLY RADIO STATION MY PATHETIC STUMP OF A CAR ARIAL CAN PICK UP IS CLASSIC FM.
CAN REPORT THAT I DO INDEED FEEL MARVELOUS AND AM VERY GLAD TO BE ALIVE. STOMACH CRAMPS IN THE MORNING AREN’T GREAT BUT DO FEEL TOTALLY ALERT, HEALTHY AND HAPPY… DESPITE DAYDREAMS OF SAUSAGES.
SO FAR I HAVE SWALLOWED THREE LEMON PIPS.
